THOU SHALL LET GO OF FRIENDSHIPS ALONG THE WAY (SOMETIMES)

"Just remember, there's a right way and a wrong way to do everything and the wrong way is to keep trying to make everybody else do it the right way."  M*A*S*H ~~ Colonel Potter


About three weeks ago, I received a letter from someone I consider a very dear friend.  I'm not gonna lie to ya..... This particular letter stung.  Shocked me to my core.

This friend wrote to express her feelings with regard to her unhappiness with the type of friend she felt I was to her... (Or wasn't, rather.)

My mom and aunt happened to be here the night I received it, so I walked into their bedroom with letter in hand and a stunned look on my face.  I sat a the edge of the bed and said, "Guys, you won't even believe this letter that I just received from *Sally* . 

Both were completely bewildered as I began to read it aloud to them.
With each reason Sally listed as a reason to terminate the friendship, both Mom and Aunt Kirdy had the most confused looks on their faces.

But after I read it, I did admit to them that some of her issues with me were absolutely valid.  Sally was right:
*I never called or texted her to go eat lunch.
*I never ask her to a movie or to come see any of my children's games.
*Any time we did get together, it absolutely seemed that it was because she initiated it, just like she noted in her letter.
*And, I never asked her to just come "hang out" at the house like I used to do many moons ago.

All true.  She made some good points.  And I have thought about them over and over for three weeks now.

It is so interesting the feelings and emotions that come over you when you receive a letter like this.

First, you feel judged.  You almost feel angry that someone would question your abilities and capabilities of what it takes to be a good friend.

Then you move into this weird stage of defensiveness where you begin to think of all the ways you WERE a true and good friend.  You go back to all those times, events, celebrations and memories where you DID include her and introduce her to many new friends and fun experiences!  I mean, Gosh!  Has she forgotten all of that?!

After this stage, you begin to feel a twinge of guilt.  You start thinking, "Dang...Maybe I should have done more to show her that I cared about our friendship.  Maybe I did take for granted that she would always be there, no matter what.  But that's what true friendship is, right?!

Then you wake up and shake that craziness off and get all defensive again, "No! Nu-uh!  How dare she require so much of me!  With a husband, three kids, two dogs and more sporting events to attend than I know what to do with, how could she expect so much from me?  Can she do this?  Is she allowed to banish me from being her friend because I don't ask her to lunch?  Or a movie?  Or to "hang out?" 
I'd like to see the rules or by-laws on this one right away, somebody! (ha!)

For Pete's sake!  To be frank, I can't even remember the last time my husband and I actually got to see a movie together!  We barely get to see the same sporting event at the same time because we are always divided taking another child to his or her game!  And "hang out" at my house?  Are you kidding me?!  I'd give anything, myself, to just "hang out" at my house!  This just doesn't happen very often, lately.  And whenever it does happen, I am usually playing "catch up" with the laundry, cooking and everything else it takes to manage a busy family of five.

THEN....once you come down from this side of anger, confusion, defensiveness and hurt, you move into this uncomfortable stage of sadness.  You feel sad, yet also this weird sense of relief and acceptance.

Don't get me wrong... My friends actually mean the world to me.  And from what my friends tell me, I'm a pretty good one to have.
My friendships genuinely mean the world to me, which is why this letter came as such a sting to my heart.

Anyway, at the end of her letter, she did wish me happiness, love an joy, which was really nice.
And I genuinely wish her the same.

But something funny happened last night, three weeks after I received her letter.  I actually ran into her at the local theater.  I was taking my youngest son and his friend to movie when I ran into her in the corridor.

It's interesting, the things you think you will do or say when you run into an ex of any kind never really happens the way that you think it will. Ha!

I thought I would feel sadness when I saw her next.  Or maybe I would feel awkward or shy.  Or maybe I would be so overcome with emotion that I would embrace her and tell her how very sorry I was for not being the friend she needed me to be......

But none of that happened.
I didn't feel any of those things at all.
You wanna know what I felt?

I felt nothing.

If anything, I felt something strange and very unfamiliar.  I felt closed up.  I felt a vault of protection surround my heart as we exchanged a couple of awkward pleasantries, before I quickly escaped her presence.

When I go to my seat in the theater, it dawned on me all at once!  For weeks, I have been trying to make sense of something that didn't make sense to me.  And I don't know that it ever will.

But you know what?  That's okay. 
It is what it is.

My job now is to move forward and upward, just like I always preach.  I have this really wonderful ability to not look back, once I make up my mind not to do so.  It's a self-preservation thing, I think, to protect my heart.  And I appreciate that part of myself.

I've decided that.... Letting go of a friend is hard.
Letting go of my authenticity would be much harder.

I am who I am.  And I lead the life I've always dreamed of.  It is a crazy, busy, full-speed-ahead, wonderful life...but I wouldn't change a thing.

I love it just the way it is.... Even if it means I have to lose a friend or two along the way.

The good news?
Whether she knows it or not... I will always be there for her.
I've discovered about myself, that once you are my friend, you are my friend for life! ....(well, unless you hurt my husband or children)...but other than that?  For life! ....(well, unless you spread falsehoods and slanderous lies about my family or me)....but beyond that? For eternity!....(well, unless you don't believe in eternity...then I don't know what to tell ya)....but excluding that?....Well, you get the picture. *wink*

Be good to your peeps!
....In the best way you know how... ;-)

Cheers!
Teri