Thou Shall Not "DIP".....Unless A-B-S-O-L-U-T-E-L-Y Necessa

There are a few things in this world that gross me out.  Men chewing tobacco is one of them. (Especially when one of those men happens to be my husband, Kevin.)
Number one, they have to spit it out when enough juice (gag) has formed in their mouth.  Some fellas use a "spit cup" (double gag) and some just spit it on the ground wherever they are standing. (Seriously disgusting.)


We all have those "things" that disgust us....and while men "dipping" is my pet peeve, women smoking cigarettes is Kevin's.  Kevin's mom was a smoker while he was growing up (she has since quit) but I think that is why he feels so strongly about cigarettes.  I don't know, but he just hates it.


Anyway, Kevin has stopped and started back this bad habit of chewing tobacco (or "dipping" as he calls it) more times than I can count.  I literally cringe whenever I spot him opening up that little round tin can and "pinching" out the tobacco that he places in-between his bottom lip and gum. (Aargh!)


Well, a few years ago, I had the "bright" idea of just what I could do to make him quit FOR GOOD!


My great idea?  Simple!.... I decided that I would start smoking! That's it! Yes! I had it all planned out!  When he drove up from work, I'll be outside smoking my cigarette!  AND, I'll act like I like it... I'll blow smoke out of the side of my mouth, like a pro....and I'll put my hand on my hip, like so...just to look extra cool.  And as he walks towards me, I'll take a big ole swig!  When he leans down for a "hello" kiss, I'll turn my head and blow out the smoke while he kisses my cheek!
BRILLIANT TERI!!  YOU. ARE. SO. FLIPPIN'. BRILLIANT!
THIS IS GOOD STUFF.

That very day, I went out and bought my very first pack of cigarettes....came home.....and while I was waiting for him to drive home from work...I totally PANICKED!  All these thoughts began swirling around my head:
*What if I choke?
*What if I get sick?
*Oh my gosh! What if I get addicted after one puff?...and then crave cigarettes for the rest of my life?
*And the kids! What if they tried it because they saw mommy try it?!

What am I thinking?  Dad gum it! I can't flippin' do this!
DANG I-I-IT!

Kevin drove up...and I had already chickened out.

HOWEVER....I was not finished plotting out a plan to help him quit this nasty habit.  I realized I had to be creative because the "usuals" didn't work.  Begging never worked.  Threats didn't work.  Even reminding him that he is a doctor and KNOWS better!  He knows what could ultimately happen.  But none of that worked.

IT FINALLY CAME TO ME!  Since I wasn't going to smoke, I hatched an even better plan! I would DIP!! Yep!! If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em, right?  I would chew tobacco right in front of him so he could SEE with his own eyes how completely disgusting it is!

SO....the next day, Kevin was outside working on his tractor.  I could see him from the kitchen window.  He was in his work pants, no shirt...and yep! He just spit! He's got a dip in his mouth right now!  THAT was my cue.  Desperate times, call for desperate measures, right?  Go, Teri, Go!

I run and put on some cut-off jeans shorts, tank top and to pull my hair back in a pony tail so Kevin can have the full picture of this "new dippin' country girl" he married.
I find his can of skoal.  I get a big "pinch" of it and place it exactly where I always see him do...in-between  my bottom lip and gum.


The first thing I feel is this sort of stinging sensation on my gums...Hmm...wasn't really expecting that.  Then, I run to my bathroom mirror to look at myself and .....I get tickled!  I looked absolutely ridiculous!  I practice talking with it in my mouth so that I will be able to look "natural" while in character.  I get tickled again.


It's so weird....when you place tobacco in your mouth, your accent automatically gets like hillbilly hick!  You would've thought I was from the hills of Arkansas! 


I finally walked outside to where Kevin was.  He was by our pond working on his tractor.  I brought him some ice-cold water (as that was my excuse to go out there.)


I say, "Hi.  Thought you might could use some ice-cold water." (handing him the glass)
He looks at me and says, "Thanks, Babe."


I get sweet satisfaction as I notice him give me a double-take.  I stare at the pond like I don't notice him looking at me at all. 


I finally break the silence, "Sure is a beautiful day, isn't it?" 

(Ooops...some of that nasty juice slides down my throat at this point....yuck!!! act calm, Teri.  Act like you've done this before....OH NO! There it goes again!....It keeps sliding down my throat and it kinda burns!...Oh no...what do I do?!....think, Teri, think.)

Kevin gives me a sideways glance and smiles at me with his eyes and says, "Yep, sure is.  Hey, How you feeling, T?"

"Fine. Never better." I lie.


He then asks, "Hmm...What do you think about me moving those logs over there by the oak tree and making a burn pile over there by the shed?"

***(Conversation in my head)***

"I don't give a flyin' flip where you put those logs!  Do you not see (uh...oh...it keeps going down my throat!), do you not see that I am grossing you out by dipping?!  Are you a freak or something?! Do you LIKE this?  Tell me you are grossed out so that I can spit this stuff out and tell you that THIS is what YOU look like!!

**But outwardly, I reply, (trying desperately not to let any tobacco juice spill out of my mouth) gag!..."Sure...sure.....the burn pile should be fine over there."


At this point, Kevin spits. (Oh yeh! I gotta spit!!)  So....I spit (ahem....dribble) and it goes down my chin. (GROSS!)  Kevin gets tickled and I very quickly wipe that nasty stuff off of my chin with my forearm and wrist.


At this point, I'm feeling a little woozy and nauseous.


Kevin repeats, "T...you don't look so good. You sure you're feeling okay?"


I quickly and confidently reply, "Why wouldn't I be? I feel fine...I actually like this taste if you wanna know the truth....so much so that I think I may start.....start.....start.......Blech....(I turn around and vomit my guts out!)


Kevin DOUBLES OVER in fits of laughter.
I am MAD.....and...now sick .....so I huff off in my "mad walk"....You know the one....where every step covers three feet of ground. Ha!


I am in total disbelief that this has backfired so badly on me.

Hmph!  I turn around one last time to see Kevin holding his side while continuing to laugh HARD.  He catches my glaring eye and hollers, "BABE!! COME BACK!!!  We finally found something we can do together!!" as he continues to laugh uncontrollably.

After awhile, he comes inside and I am at the kitchen sink.  He comes over to give me a playful hug, but as he does, I act snobbish and with my first two right-hand fingers, I bring my newly white cigarette to my lips....just as one last ditch effort to shock him.


He looks at me and smiles and says, "You might have had me going if you had actually lit that cigarette."


DANG IT!  I totally stink at this!


Oh well,  I am happy to report that in the end, it all worked out, after all.  
Yep, soon after my...ahem.... "Oscar-worthy" performance, Kevin began dipping "smokeless tobacco."

It's a start. *wink*

So...the old saying's true.... "All's well that ends well."

*But trust me on one thing, friends.  If you have EVER wondered if tobacco tastes as nasty as it looks?.... Let me just assure you..... IT DOES! ;-)

Great day everybody!
Teri