"Thou Shall Love Your Children More Than You Hate Your Ex"

"Pain is inevitable.  Suffering is optional." ~~ M. Kathleen Casey

If the title of this "Commandment" makes you squirm a little bit, then good!  If you feel a bit uncomfortable, taken aback, offended that I would even broach this subject? Then perfect!  These are good indications that this was meant for you or someone you know then. ;-)

Look, I'll be honest....there are many articles, blogs, posts and other writings that make me squirm a little bit too sometimes.  But once I get past the point of feeling "aghast" at the notion of whatever the subject is, I usually realize that it was something I needed to read anyway. 

What's the worst that can happen?  Our minds get "stretched" a little bit?  We are forced to really think about and consider our own belief system and why we feel so passionately about the article (one way or the other)?  Now, what's so bad about that? 

It's all good, right? ;-)

And think about it like this.....I am merely one person, with one little ole opinion, so if we stand on opposite sides of this issue, then big deal!  We're all friends here.  This is just my take on the matter.  So, just let me have my say and I'll be done with it. ;-) 

Throughout the years, I have seen many well-intentioned married couples decide that their marriage is not something worth "fighting for" anymore.  Some do it hastily, while others seek counseling, try couple's retreats and invest in countless books to try desperately to help them rekindle that old "spark", only to come to the sad conclusion that their marriage is not salvageable.

I never judge a couple who decides to call it "quits".  I'm not in their marital shoes and would never dare to pretend to know what goes on behind closed doors.  

I will tell you what I DO judge, however.  I DO freely admit that I definitely judge the cruelty that can sometimes follow a marital separation.

Here's the thing:  I totally get that marriage is tough sometimes.  I get it!  Trust me! ;-)

I can even see where one might feel like they want to throw in the towel, throw their arms up and say, "That's it!  I quit!"  

I get it. Yes, marriage can be really difficult sometimes. 

*Do I "believe" in divorce? No. ...But I get it.

But here's the deal... To be honest, whenever I find out that a couple has chosen to divorce, my mind usually goes straight to their little ones, not them.  I instantly think about their kids who don't really have a say in the demise of their family unit. 

I find myself praying that the adults involved are equipped and ready to do everything in their power to make the "transition period" as painless as possible for their children.

Many times, unfortunately, due to anger and bitterness from both sides, the children usually experience the very worst part of the break-up.  They are forced to choose sides....to feel responsible for the break-up....to feel paranoid and insecure....and to endure all sorts of emotional trauma.

The psychological effects of divorce on children are more extreme when they're forced to endure a long, mean-spirited, drawn-out custody battle.  These children suffer from a variety of psychological problems like denial, guilt, low self-esteem, physical problems, depression, anger, panic disorders, destructive or even criminal behavior.

ON THE OTHER HAND, the experts agree that those divorced couples who work together for the greater good of their children's well-being, while putting aside personal hurts, anger and bitterness, have a better chance of allowing their children to grow and continue to thrive in this new world of living apart.

These children feel much safer when they aren't being used as "pawns" or when they aren't having to deal with adult problems.

I have literally witnessed friends (men and women) act as though they are spewing venom when they are simply forced to say their ex's name in front of their own children.  On the better side of things however, I have also been privy to observing those ex's who are able to carry on a pleasant conversation with a loving attitude and generous spirit with each other in front of their children. (These couples always inspire me!)

I have adult friends who are bi-products of divorce who say that their parent's divorce during their childhood years absolutely changed who they were and made life very complicated for them.  They also confide that it has affected their own relationships as grown adults.

On the other hand, I also have friends who freely admit that their parent's divorce was probably a good thing because the hostility that permeated the home when their parent's were married was almost too much to bear.

The point of this blog is not to make anyone feel guilty or feel like they have screwed up their children because they couldn't remain married to their ex-spouse.  The point is that IF you are in the midst of a divorce or have been divorced for a while, yet you continue to use your children to get back at your ex?....Or use mean and cruel tactics as a way to hurt and make an ex suffer?.....Then pleeeease, for the love of Pete, STOP IT!

You are mostly killing the essence of your child/children, not your ex!  You are literally changing who they are and what they are meant to be for this world!  Children can easily become the "casualties" of these very childish "games" between two vengeful adults.  

You must remember that these children are simply innocent bystanders who deserve parents who are willing to do EVERY SINGLE THING within their power to help them cope properly, continue to grow, prosper, feel safe & secure and ultimately feel LOVED and CHERISHED!

And how do you do this?

Simple:  Love your children MORE than you hate your ex-spouse.

IF you have to "fake" respect for your ex in front of your children....then fine!  Fake it!

IF you have to "pretend" to show love and kindness towards each other at your children's school or athletic functions, then GOOD!  Pretend!  Do whatever it takes!

IF you must force "pleasantries" when together at special events for the sake of your children....then for heaven's sake, FORCE yourself!

You got this!  You can do it!

It is not about you anymore.... It is about them.  So do right by them, by doing right by their mother/father.

The irony?  YOU will ultimately feel like a happier person for it!.  Try it and see! ;-)

Cheers!

Teri