Thou shall have it all (so long as you first find out what “it all” actually is)

“The secret to having it all is knowing you already do.”

-Author Unknown

Perhaps the most debated question among women is “Is it possible to have it all?” I’m often asked this question because as a mother of four healthy, beautiful children, a kind, loving husband, great parents and extended family and friends, and a fulfilling, rewarding job as a partner in my law firm, it might appear to some, that I have managed to pull this off...yes, maybe, I do in fact “have it all.” 

But appearances are just that. Because all I have, while wonderful and satisfying for me, may do nothing to satisfy and bring pleasure to another. So, is it possible to have it all? Well, to quote our former President Clinton when he found himself in somewhat of a pickle...”It depends on what your definition of the word “it” is.”

Well, not really...it actually depends on what your definition of  “all” is. To complicate matters even worse, it also depends on when you ask yourself that question.  You see, my current definition of having “it all” entails a loving family, a few great friends and a challenging career which helps to not only feed my soul but also helps to feed my family. That’s all I need. That’s not asking too much, is it? 

It wasn’t always this way for me, of course. As a baby, I’m sure I felt as though I had “it all” so long as my diaper was clean, my tummy was full and I was in the warm comforting arms of my parents. Then, as a teenager, I truly felt I had “it all” so long as I had my own room to hang my Chris Evert posters, a family who loved me and, oh yeah, my used Ford Bronco II to transport me to and from school. There’s no question about it back then, I just knew I had “it all.”

As we mature into wives and mothers, our definition of having it all changes for most. Our wants and needs have a tendency to become far more altruistic. We start functioning less selfishly and more as support systems for others. But as much as we find ourselves putting the wants and needs of others often above our own, we still find ourselves in quiet times dreaming of having “it all.” However, ask 100 women to define that term, and you can easily find yourself with 100 different answers. 

I did just that just this past Saturday morning. I was sitting at my girlfriend, Kathy’s, kitchen counter, just shooting the breeze and and enjoying a cup of coffee. I looked around her gorgeously decorated, uber expensive home and watched her move closer to fill my cup in her size 4 designer jeans.  I asked myself what more could this woman want? After all, her husband, a partner in one of the major financial accounting firms in town, always ensured there was the newest BMW in her garage and her children were never at a shortage of nannies to transport them wherever they needed to go. But when I asked her whether she felt like she had “it all,” her answer was a resounding “no.” In fact, she confessed that while she felt very happy with her life, she often yearned to return to her work as a design consultant which she had suspended at her husband’s request when they married and had children. So while she looked forward (and now enjoyed) all that her marriage provided for her, she still felt a longing for the career that she left behind. 

My other good friend, Michelle, sitting next to me that morning, chuckled out loud when she heard of Kathy’s desire to return the workforce. Michelle, like me, was a partner in a law firm. She represented some of the most lucrative companies and her professional life often saw her traveling the world. With 2 beautiful, well mannered children and a high profile, exciting job, to almost everyone, Michelle looked as though she had “it all.” Kathy and I were both surprised to learn that morning however that Michelle felt that while she had enjoyed her career over the past 15 years, she felt it was that same career which had put an unbearable burden on what everyone had believed was a rock solid marriage. Now, recently divorced, Michelle confided that while she was content with her life, she secretly wished she could have stayed home caring for her children when they were little and perhaps focused more on her marriage. It was a choice she felt that she had to make back then and like most of life’s tough choices, it left her feeling a twinge of regret. 

What surprised me most of that conversation over coffee that morning was not that I had learned that my friends had secret longings for something else in their life. What surprised me most was just how happy and satisfied they appeared in their lives just as they existed today. And their attitudes weren’t just for “appearances.” No, they were truly happy. Sure, there were things they wished they had done differently. Of course, there were things they wished were a part of their lives... a career for Kathy and a happy marriage for Michelle...but amazingly enough, they were content with what they DID have. They found comfort in the “haves,” instead of dwelling in the “have nots.” For them, it was not about having “it all,” it was learning that they had plenty of happiness with all that God had chosen to provide them with at that moment.

I, too, have always tried to live in the moment and be grateful for what I have been given. To me, that’s just a far superior choice than yearning for things that I do not or can not have at that moment. I have found that if I focus on all the positives in my life, it becomes very difficult to revel in the negative. Do I have “it all?” Again, it depends on who you ask. If you ask me, I really don’t know and to be honest, I really don’t care. I know that, like my girlfriends,  I have what I need, what God has intended me to have and for me, as simple as it may sound, that’s just enough.


-Claudia