Thou shall not be afraid to let your child fail

“Failure doesn't mean you are a failure... it just means you haven't succeeded yet.  

~Robert Schuller

We live in a world today in which children are praised for even the smallest task. It seems we as parents, their schools, their sports teams, and other extracurricular organizations can’t wait for an opportunity to place a ribbon on a child, hang a medal around their neck, or place a trophy in their hand. Surely, I’m not the only one who has noticed this. 

Case in point: Last year I attended my 14-year old daughter’s eighth grade graduation ceremony. Three hours of awards, medals and recognitions later, I have to admit, I was a bit burned out. Honoring Dean’s Lit students???...of course...Applauding the 8th grade math team’s national recognition???....undoubtably...But a standing ovation for the Field Day’s Tug of War Champions???? Come on...I’m going to have to draw the line.

Graduation ceremonies are special. They’re also supposed to be unique. They signal a marker in one’s life and a signal of a time to pause and celebrate one’s accomplishments. I have always been one to relish an accomplishment and never one to shy away from a celebration. But are we taking all this celebrating just a bit too far???

High school graduation is an almost sacred time. It marks the end of one’s youth and the start of a new chapter in your life. Some will continue on with their educations and others will venture into the workplace for the first time. Almost all do so outside of the comfort and safety of the family home and start out on their own. That, my friends, is worth celebrating. 

In fact, high school graduations are as much a celebration for the parents of the graduate as they are for the graduate themselves. Just scan the crowd at any high school graduation and while you will see some teary eyes of some parents reluctant to see their babies leave the nest, you will also see the familiar relieved expressions of others who are just happy to see their children make it to this point. Whichever parent you are (and maybe you are a bit of both) there is still a celebration that your child has made it to this special point in his or her life (and that you have managed not to kill them in the process). 

There are other good graduation markers of course...Medical school, law school, MBAs. But eight grade graduation? Is that really a cause of celebration? Don’t even get me started on elementary school graduation and worst of all, preschool graduation. Now don’t get me wrong, I arrived an hour early for Alexandra, my now 10-year old’s preschool graduation. Of course, I wanted to guarantee a front row seat because watching those precious 4 and 5-year olds in full cap and gown from any other seat would have been just ridiculous. So I’m the first to admit its easy to get wrapped up in all this celebrating. After all, what’s the harm? 

But actually, I do believe we may be harming our children with what any good NFL referee would throw the flag for in announcing “excessive celebration.” Our children are being taught that event the smallest gesture or accomplishment deserves a medal. I fear our children may start to set the bar just a tad low. Yet, despite all of this, I was surprised to learn just how many parents still favor this multitude of celebrations. 

Two years ago, Teri and I were placed in charge of field day at our children’s school. In years past, whenever any child completed an event at field day they earned a ribbon. While 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place ribbons were not awarded, each and every child received a ribbon simply for participating. We are not just talking about one “thanks for participating” ribbon for each student at the end of the day. Oh, no. We are talking about one ribbon to each and every child at each and every station they moved through. At the end of the day, each and every child child had literally dozens of ribbons. While nice and certainly colorful, I think it goes without saying that by the fourth or fifth ribbon, they stopped being special. Teri and I thought we might change things up a bit and forego the awarding of the exact same kind and number of ribbons to each student and instead award ribbons to those who had placed first through third in a certain event. 

For a good number of parents, the look on their faces indicated that we might as well had suggested we replace the Kool-aid station with pure vodka. “They aren’t all going to get a ribbon for each event?” asked one concerned mother. “Won’t they feel badly if they don’t place in an event?” echoed another. 

As Teri and I explained, we wanted to use field day as a day to reward athletic excellence. This was no different then the day science fair recognizes our best and brightest future scientists, or the day that the spelling bee acknowledges those for whom “spell check” need not ever had been invented. Teri and I knew however that this would be a tough crowd to win over. 

Now, I am completely in favor of building a child’s self-esteem. There is nothing wrong though for that sense of self esteem to be built honestly. I know some parents will find this hard to believe but your child will not be good at everything.  Shocking, I know...Some children are better mathematicians than others. Some children excel at sports. Yet others exceed expectations in the girl or boy scouts for example. But how can we allow our children to learn and develop their natural God-given talents if we continuously reward their abilities at anything and everything. 

Michael Phelps developed into quite possibly the best swimmer of all time because he did not excel at baseball and basketball. Michael Jordan, after being cut from his high school basketball team, poured his heart and soul into the sport he loved to prove to his coach that he did have the ability to excel. Would these athletes have done the same if not first faced with rejection? Would Albert Einstein have discovered the theory of relativity if his teacher had pinned a ribbon on him after his first failed attempt, telling him he had given it a good enough try?

My point is merely that at some time in our children's lives they will experience the feeling of disappointment or failure. There is no shame in that. In fact, from that failure, we may build a new found determination to succeed. That disappointment or failure may also redirect our children in their lives or provide a sharpened sense of focus. In short, it will bring growth and hopefully a better sense of purpose in their lives. Given that a failure can do all this, can we really consider that a failure at all?

-Claudia